While it’s not always an easy task to rekindle lost affection in your relationship when it is missing, it could also be fun to partners involved.
Around the middle of November, while at the office, I got a call from a lady who didn’t give her name and location, but the number stated it was a local call. She’d called me seeking for advice after coming across my blog.
Her problem was that her husband got hold of her phone and saw the Whatsapp chats she’d been having with one of her husband’s friends. She was honest enough to have acknowledged the fact that she made a mistake having such conversation with a friend of her husband. Yes, a $.e.x chat.
Before I go on on this, here are some important facts to note:
- According to her, the husband has been having extramarital affairs with several women and has abandoned her at home of every love.
- Secondly, there was no affection between them even before she birthed her last child.
- While she felt bored, she needed attention, thus initiating a chat with her husband’s friend who kept her company but developed to $.e.x chats
- There was no exchange of nude pictures just chats.
- It was her first time and nothing ”funny” had happened between them.
- Also, while she wasn’t proud of what she did, she’d tried to initiate a conversation with her husband just to state the reason she flirted online with his friend, the husband has refused talking to her.
- He has continued to provide for her and the kids, but he doesn’t speak to her at all: Strangers living as couple.
- Finally (in my opinion), here is a situation of an old pot calling a new kettle black.
While I couldn’t give her any advice because I was still in the office with much work in my hands, I’d promised to give her a call first thing the following morning around 9:00 am when she would be alone with the kids at home while we discussed about it. This didn’t happen anyway because she refused picking my call the next morning.
Since he has refused speaking with her, one advice I’d wanted to give her to begin as the ”healing process” was for her to write a letter stating reasons why she did it and how boring and ”unattended” to she had become. After writing, let her leave it on his side of the bed.
While I do not encourage extramarital affairs, one thing I hate so much here is the way women are tagged with all manner of cruel, demeaning names and shamed when they get involve in such, while the men see it as their birth right to have other women by their sides i.e., side chicks and are given a patting on their backs as being a ”real men”.
They dish it out but can’t take it when women serve them right in their own coin.
Now, back to the topic at hand…
Before any marriage gets to a situation where both parties have agreed to part ways, there must have also been a time in the past when they were so madly in love with each other that they probably thought they’d the clue, secret key or road-map to stay together happily- forever!
Once you felt the two of you were special. Meant for each other. Destined to be together and so on. Yes, every relationship at the beginning once experienced this beautiful stage which I call, love in fantasy paradise.
Now you sit in your couch wondering how your once beautiful and enviable relationship suddenly hit the rocks and the both of you just decided to let it go and find love elsewhere with other people.
The relationship could have crashed but deep down in you there is this longing to go back to your partner. You still miss the other person and really finding it hard to move on. You wish you could have done something to stop the break up.
Many people think that marriage is about marrying the right person, so when things go wrong, they automatically go to the: I accidentally married the wrong person. Truth is, there is no perfect couple or marriage anywhere in the world. All marriages are works in progress.
As a Nigerian, I know that when it comes to the issue of marriage, one thing about we Africans living in Africa is that we so much value the marriage institution, and thus whenever that union is heading for the rocks, family members from both sides try to intervene to make sure the marriage doesn’t crash.
Related article- Simple Ways To Know If You Are With The Wrong Partner
What I am trying to say here is that, our cultural values in Africa place so much importance on marriage and whatever it will take to sustain a marriage, family members would at least make efforts to help retrace where you both erred and seek for ways to correct it just to bring back that beautiful sparks into your relationship once again, especially when it has produced children: our own form of marriage experts/counselling.
While most times, such intervention saved the day, other times one or both parties who probably see no reason to continue in that union would still go ahead with the proposed dissolution of their once beautiful union.
Getting back your relationship on track in a crumbling or already dissolved relationship or marriage doesn’t just happen that easy especially by the other party who must have defaulted along the line and has decided to fight back for that love.
While trying to do this, one thing to always focus or put into consideration is the issue of TRUST which must have been reduced drastically below the belt.
On a course to win back your partner’s affection, building back that trust you once had becomes the major goal and as we all know, this doesn’t just come as simple as standing up from the couch to get hold of a cup of water from the fridge. It takes lots of time- months and even years.
10 Tips to Rekindle the Sparks in your Relationship
When the affection is lost in any marriage or relationship, it simply means what brought you guys together is sunk deep in the bottom of the ocean but another truth to it is that, it can be brought to floating again on the waters.
If you can be honest here, do you think you can find those sparks again if you dive into the waters which brought you together in the first place?
This is not an easy emotional journey to embark on but when and where one has decided to give it a shot at trying, then the reason for it must be achieved.
- Try getting back to where you were before you fell apart.
- Try courting all over again- Now, part of getting the new relationship thrill can come from recreating other aspects of the early days of your relationship: when you couldn’t wait to get your hands on one another, but you couldn’t just throw down.
- Try not involving a third party. It’s a process only the both of you must thread on.
- Going on vacation or short romantic getaway where you both can have time for yourselves and focus on each other only.
- More communication with listening ears
- Remind your partner of how you used to be but in trying to achieve this, don’t push it on him/her.
- Attend social functions together like events and clubbing.
- More intimacy
- Initiate surprise gestures with gifts and show up unexpectedly in your partner’s office.
- Drop whatever ego you have aside and focus only on winning that love back.
Research have it that at one point or the other, it’s natural that married couples fall out of love and they wonder where the sparks went to.
Also, while its so easy to fall in love in the first place, Its also very much easy to fall out of love.
In conclusion therefore, the death of that passion in any committed long-term relationship or marriages is one of the biggest killers of relationships because we associate it with being bored just like the story of the woman above.
Any experience or addition? Kindly air your thoughts in the comment section. Also, if you have any advice for the lady, you can drop them, I believe she may read it and apply them.
Thank you.
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Brenda.
I sincerely hope that all the above works for the woman.
Men can be very funny when they catch their woman cheating, even if it’s only sexting. They aren’t quite as forgiving as we women are when men have full blown affairs.
I think one reason for that is that they find it hard to imagine or conceive that their woman can ever cheat or find another man attractive to the extent of working on it and sleeping with another man.
Yet they expect complete forgiveness when they cheat . If you ever mention what they did, then you are a nag.
Men do not forgive at all… But expect women to forgive them for their cheating.
is that a fact or an opinion Brenda.
Making a relationship work is constant hard work on both partners. couples need to reinvent themselves very often to avoid boredom. Great tips .
Absolutely right, Relationship is Constant work my friend… Thanks for your contributions.
Relationships are always hard, but most things in life are and worth the work. Thanks for the tips x
Laura
Pink Frenzy
Thanks Laura… Good to have you here.
I really hope everything will work for her relationship as she wants.
This post was very helpful for me, it’s true that you need to put extra effort in a relationship when you find those kind of messages, a marriage (or a relationship) it’s not something that you just throw away.
That happened to me, and I feel really good at the moment because of the healing process, another advice that I would give is: find a interest in common and make it work, it could be watching tv series, cooking, reading, traveling, or just shopping together, we often forget to share moments with our partner. ♥
http://www.heresometimes.com
Love your comment girl. That’s a cool advice you have there. Good you found it helpful.
Excelente texto.
Qualquer relacionamento se torna difícil se não houver compreensão de ambos.
Dany
Blog Breshopping da Dany
Conheça também o Breshopping da Dany KIDS
Instagram: @breshopping_da_dany
Thanks for visiting..
great advice! xxo
Jamie
http://www.jamieeverafter.com
Thanks Jamie
Dear Brenda, what a pity the lady didn’t answer your call the next morning. I think what you share here is true and helpful. I think unfortunately there is already a big gap between this lady and her husband and this chat gives the husband even more “the permission” to do what he likes … to have other woman. I’m not sure if the husband really wants to give up what he likes to do as obviously he is doing this since a longer time and although the lady was obviously mostly informed this didn’t stop him to build up new affairs. Maybe the lady waited already too long … and now the husband even feels as winner and with the right to do what he likes.
I think what every woman can learn here that it can be dangerous not to take care of the own relationsship. This means that every woman should be regularly in interaction with the partner, talk with him and as you recommend have intimate time together.
All the best to the lady. I wish her by all my heart that it will work what you recommend here.
xx from Bavaria/Germany, Rena
http://www.dressedwithsoul.com
Rena, thanks very much for this comment. What i know is that, by the time he pushes her to the wall and she may not be able to take it anymore, it would be too late for the husband to make amends. He may end up being lonely and all those excitement he thinks he is having outside with other women would turn bitter in his sight.
There is nothing like having your family with you happy all the time. I just pray she keeps herself motivated and gets a job so she could also have her own source of income and be independent.
Everyone needs to work on their relationships in order to maintain them. Communication is key. People need to talk openly about their issues.
http://www.mydailywear.co.uk
Yes, you are right Izabela…
is that a fact or an opinion Brenda.
Great articals! This December my husband caught me cheating. Its not always the husband, there are many unhappy women or some like me want a change or other experiences . I had become involved with the owner of the salon I work at and her husband for more then a year ago. I did’t have the heart to end our relationship which had been failing me for along time. I had talked to him many times about how I felt and nothing ever change or no action on his part followed through. He had the opportunity to change jobs so he didnt have to travel so much and be home more often, he turned it down. I spent many weekends on my own with the gal I worked for and her husband, One night they joked at the bar about us being together which I said ‘sure’! This became a very passionate affair. My husband came home a day early on Dec. 17th and walked in on us. He was heart broken and still wanted to try to make it work. I came clean telling him how long we had all been together. I asked him to move out. I’ll always Love him, and were still talking I don’t know what more to say to him about our relationship.
He must be really heart broken.. Some men are weak romantically and can’t find it easy to move on after a break up or breaking a relationship that is not working, they just can’t do it.
I feel for him but you coming out clean to tell him how you felt is also good. Thanks for your comment.
He is. I feel for him but dont understand him. He’s a handsome guy I told him he’ll have no problem meeting someone else. I’ll always be his friend. He’s text my daughter all the time, she doesnt know what to say to him. She knew I was with this couple from the beginining and supported my lifestyle choices. Its much easier to talk to him now then before, I’m much more open with him. He’s asking lots of questions about the relationship I’m currently in – details which I’m open about.
Should I just cut him off altogether ?
No, don’t cut him off.. You could also help him discover himself when it comes to relationship. Help him to go for what wants. Ask him how you could be that help to assist him, but never go into the bedroom or a quiet place where only the both of you will be.
He seems a good guy from what you have said about him but then good guys could feel so hurt and become violent. So assist him for the sake of being your ex-husband and him being good. Fact is, he hasn’t discovered who he is when it comes to relationship. Some women like tough men but it seems he is the soft type. So he should go for someone who likes his person.
You have done well. This article will help. http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3269327
Don’t hesitate to seek help id you need one.
Thanks for your help Sarki Gadah. Nice one. Lovely article I must say.
Thank you Brenda & Sarki ! The artical had so much good information.
This is the 1st time I’ve ever written to a blog – good helpful & caring folks on here.
I love him to much to cut him off – but the thought is there. I want to help him discover himself, we talk more now then we ever did all-nighters like we use to when we 1st started dating. He’s not a violent person never has been. He didnt get angry the night he caught us in the livingroom. He just walked in and quietly asked to speak to me alone. As I mentioned he asks alot about the couple I’m with now and the details which I have no problem telling him about. He suspected I was with someone ..just not a couple. He’s a bit awe struck that I’m into this lifestyle.
I’m considering having him over for supper with the couple I’m seeing. They suggested that, as they are good people and dont want any hate or bad blood. This may help him see that I am with them and that I want him in my/our life as a friend.
Thoughts? and thanks !
That would be nice having him over for supper.. I love your sincerity in this all. You are with a couple? You mean like a threesome relationship?
Hi Brenda,
I could not reply to your last question. Thank you for your kind words Brenda – your advice helps believe me.
Yes it’s a threesome relationship. It began after they asked me at the bar if I’d be interested in being with them, try a threesome. I agreed right there.. 15min later we left for there place. I knew that’s what I wanted. My heart was in my throat. We even got a head start in the car on the way home. Its been a life changer for me … for us.
I spoke with Jay and Amy *the couple’ about having him over for supper and drinks. The both suggested it wholeheartedly. He’s kind of met them already the night he came home, a day early and caught the three of us in the living room back in December.
As mentioned he texts me daily or try’s calling. He’s trying to re-establish the relationship, talks about rebuilding and that he loves me, admits that we had a poor relationship near the end, He knows I’ve been with them for months now. He’s asked what we’ve done sexually with them and I’ve responded openly with complete details, verbally ..not by text. I feel better – I feel great being open about it. I’m not the same person I was two years ago. Again – I don’t know if we are beyond friendship but willing to work hard at it.
Threesome relationship, never heard of that but i think i am thrilled with it.. really thrilled honestly. Just keep up being good to him and i think someday a part of him will make him try some spontaneous things or things he’s never done before and might enjoy it. But something i i know from all you have been writing about him is that he loves you very much. Truth is most guys love ladies who are very spontaneous and daring.