Fear is completely normal in the lives of every human. Everyone, regardless of gender, fears something. As you may know, fear is a powerful but primitive human emotion that helps protect us from danger lurking around or one in the future. The fear of what the future brings is the most brutal. The uncertainty is mind numbing and makes one do irrational acts. We all have been there one time or the other.
The movie, ”with this ring” is one of the most interesting movies I have watched in my entire life. I see women who have achieved so much in all fields of life, they have overcome so many challenges, broken boundaries, created new frontiers and still feeling inconsequential about themselves. Even some of the strongest women I know and have come in contact with, have this same deep seated fear of being alone. They settle, only settling for less than they deserve. I do not pray to walk that deep dark path and my heart goes out to those who are presently walking in it.
Women’s worst fear is time fleeing time and if they aren’t married, it gets worse. I know a lady in her 30s presently who is a strong willed lady, cheerful, hard working, a university graduate and independent. Her only problem is fear of being alone. Most relationships she has been into never worked out according to her plans (most women in her position envisage a relationship that will lead to the altar). But for her, these men only wanted a piece of her money or her body or both, but not ready or willing to commit to her.
Her family also keeps pressuring her to get married and start her family, but unfortunately, they know nothing of what she’s going through in her relationships, and being an independent lady, she would not discuss such with her folks. These men when they get what they came for, they treat her like a piece of trash and that’s how the circle goes. I know some women are so unlucky with such men in their lives.
While discussing one Sunday afternoon, she opened up to me of her desire to settle for one of these men- a particular one beneath her standard, who spends a lot of time getting drenched in marijuana, alcoholic and often gets violent in these substances. According to her, this particular guy appears to be the only one who seems willing to marry her. This she believed because he told her he will kill himself if she ever left him…. (If that’s a threat, please be fast about it, i thought within me).
‘’Of course, why won’t he say such?’’ I asked her. When you feed him and pay his rent and cloth his siblings…
‘’He probably knows you are going to always take care of the bills’’, can’t you see that? I asked again.
I understand her fears and sadly to say, millions of women are in similar situation. The thoughts about her biological clock ticking has started weighing on her and she has been letting what the society thinks about her have effect on her mind. Love, acceptance, respect, security, are all things a woman may want in her relationship. As a matter of fact these are basics that probably everyone wants.
You know when you have a picture in your head as a young girl, you will graduate at 23, work in a good firm and get married by 27 at most. Unfortunately for your plans, you got the job but not the man. As the years go by, the pickings get slimmer and you see less responsible kind of men. The available men have one BUT, or you start feeling less complete and whole. The society doesn’t help by asking when you are hooking up or when will you be married. The voice in your head starts gaining ground and telling you maybe you are too selective, or maybe you are too ambitious.
You start considering undesirable men with very unsavory characteristics (these you would never had considered while younger not because of pride but because you had a focus). You make excuses for the men who come to you. You see a drunk who also have lots of baby mamas issues and you tell yourself I can work with that. He just needs a real woman who will help his deficiency.
You see a violent man and he hits you but you won’t go away because you feel you caused him to get angry. You know what? These type of men never change and it is your fear of being alone speaking. You console yourself with statements like ”a bird at hand is worth two in the bush’’, or the devil you know is better than the one you don’t know, or like what what my fellow Nigerian girls would say, ‘‘these days, husbands are scarce on the streets’’. Sisters, who told you husbands are found on the streets?
Well, you are 37 and unfortunately your biological clock is ticking. Scary right? The younger ladies who used to treat you with respect aren’t doing so anymore because you haven’t got a man to yourself, talk more of having kids. Now you spend time on dating sites, paying for companionship, you get paid dates to take for AGM meetings, family reunions, school reunions and all that.
It hurts terribly when you have no one to call your own on Valentine’s Day, no one to spent Christmas and other holidays with. I mean a better half not your family. You feel so alone, scared and sometimes miserable. Sometimes you feel the society’s judging you like you failed. The fear and desperation sets in. You don’t want to be that old aunt who had no kids or ever got married. No you don’t want to be that failure who didn’t make it to matrimony.
I need you to know the right one will come and you would not have to lessen yourself to be with him. You will not have to belittle your achievements for him to love you. You know why? Because he will sprung you on to achieve much more.
In rounding up this post, let go of the fear and say this mantra from the movie with this ring and put your own name in the blank space below-
”Do you realize…………………….. that life is short and if you spend all your time waiting on a job or the one , that you waste a perfectly good chance to be happy”.
LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE IT IS THE LAST DAY YOU HAVE GOT. BE HAPPY.
So, let me read your thoughts on this and also add yours.